How to difference Control from Caring (in the nurture way)?

I have to share with you something that did happen to me this week. I was on my way home going to my friend’s place (where I am living at the moment). My friend is the most loving, caring and nurturing person you could ever met in your life and I know that :)

 

But when I arrived on Thursday, the weather in Melbourne was just awful (a cold and pouring rain as we all love that). My friend was at home waiting for my call back but once again my phone let me down and so she could not reach me properly. Very frustrating for her and me also… Anyway, we both were upset for different reasons (her because she is so nurturing she wanted to pick me up to be sure I was not completely damp and she could not reach me because of my stupid phone, and me because I felt her nurturing a bit too much for me, like a kind of control). 

The day after we have talked about that again because we have both thought the all day about the event from the eve.After our talk, I noticed I have learnt quite a lot about my reaction towards her the evening before because I have mistaken her nurture (care) for control.

 

So I have decided today to write a paper about that because it is also a part of my healing process (the last steps now). Because this is a big news!!! I am now ready to open my heart completely and stop to fear.

As you all know I have been in a toxic relationship for 8 years and I was with a man who controlled me (yes I know it seems to be surreal when you know me but that’s the truth).

Let me tell you now what is the difference in between controlling someone and caring for someone which I have learnt very recently as I said.  

The difference between caring and controlling can often be a very fine line, making it hard to distinguish between the two. 

While genuine caring comes from a place of selflessness and love, controlling behavior usually comes from a place of resentment or insecurity. That kind of manipulative behavior usually has a hidden agenda and can spell bad news if you don’t get out of that situation STAT.

So how can you tell when your partner or someone’s behavior is cause for concern?

1. They create “rules” for you that don’t apply to them. They might want you to text them when you go out or to stay in on Fridays. Maybe they don’t want you talking to some people… but they’ll go ahead and unapologetically do those exact same things.

2. They won’t let you talk to your friends. It’s important that you both maintain healthy relationships with your friends so that you don’t end up in a codependent relationship. There shouldn’t be any reason that they don’t want you to see your friends, so if they force you to stop seeing them, that’s a definite cause for concern.

3. They check in on you excessively. It’s nice to have someone send you a quick text to make sure you’re enjoying your night out with your friends, or to ensure that you got into work safely after a frosty morning. But if they need to keep a constant eye on your movements –it’s a bit much.

4. They make you hesitant about disagreeing with them. Disagreements are a part of a healthy relationship based on good communication, so if you’re feeling self-conscious over disagreeing with them, there’s a good chance there’s some emotional manipulation going on there.

5. They watch your social media activity. We all have a snoop at our friend’s or partner’s Facebook pages now and then (usually not intentionally!), but when they start to monitor your page in order to ensure that you’re not breaking any of their “rules”, that’s ridiculous. They might ask you not to talk to a certain person, or post a certain kind of content… whatever it is, it’s too far.

6. They lose their temper over little things. If they get mad when you break one of their arbitrary “rules” or blow every minor thing out of proportion, you never know what they are capable of. Even if their vitriol is confined to verbal outbursts, that still doesn’t make it okay.

7. They resent the fun you have without them. This may appear harmless, but if it’s pandered to too often it can result in you losing independence and even friends. Oftentimes, they’ll make excuses like “You didn’t call enough” or “I felt ignored,” but what they are really saying is “You’re doing something independently and I don’t like to feel like I’m not in control of you.”

8. They are never at fault. But you always are. Even a meeting that had gone badly in work seems to be your fault. But if you make a mistake, they won’t let you forget it.

9. They give you backhanded compliments. “Oh, that haircut actually looks nice – I’m shocked.” Usually a controlling person has low self-esteem or resents you, making it very difficult for them to give genuine compliments. Their objective is often to cut down your self-esteem, so when they give you compliments, there’s usually an insult masked in there, too.

10. They break down when you take a stand. If you confront them, they start to panic. This is often when they can be most manipulative, as they begs you not to leave them and make it appear that their actions have been the result of how much he cares.

11. You no longer know what you want. Friends and family might start to inquire about your “relationship” out of concern, and you don’t even know what you want anymore. You know that deep down you’re not happy, but you’ve been convinced by your friend or partner that it’s not their fault. In fact, they may have you thinking that they are your only source of happiness.

Sometimes they may not realise that you feel like you’re being controlled, and if this is the case, you could open up communication so that you can start to work on some of these issues together. 

My lovely friend was caring and in doing that she points something I have never understood before… at least, that it is a good thing to let the guard down and open up about the new chapter of my life and stop thinking everyone wants to control me … NO some friends just want to nurture me which is completely different.

So a huge “Merci” to you mon amie for that because for me it is a huge step up!

However, if you are also questioning yourself and you don’t think you can talk to them as I did openly to my friend, then that’s a pretty good sign that you’re in a controlling relationship. 

If you think you are, please reach out to friends, family or organisations below for support because a controlling person can damage you quite a lot (believe me!) and the scars are often not so visible but they are here! 

Lifeline 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au/

Domestic Violence Resource Centre Victoria http://www.dvrcv.org.au/