How anxiety can mess up the Magic in a relationship ....
Intimate
relationships are a mirror, reflecting the best and the worst of all of us.
They can inflame our struggles or soothe them. Believe me when they’re
right, they can feel like magic. Even when they’re completely right, anxiety
can steal the magic and loosen the connection between two people who belong
together. All relationships require trust, tenderness, patience and
vulnerability. People with anxiety often have these by the truckload and will
give them generously to the relationship. The problem is that anxiety can
sometimes just as quickly erode them.
I
am someone who sometimes struggles with anxiety. Please know that there are
plenty of things about you that would make loving you easy. All relationships
struggle sometimes and when anxiety is at play, the struggles can be quite
specific – very normal, and specific.
Anxiety
can work in curious ways, and it will impact different relationships
differently, so not all of the following will be relevant for every
relationship. Let me share with you some ways to strengthen
your relationship and protect it from the impact of anxiety:
- Top up the emotional resources.
You’re probably super sensitive to the
needs of others and give openly and abundantly to your relationship. Sometimes
though, anxiety can drain those resources from the relationship just
as quickly as you invest them. This is completely okay – there is plenty of
good that comes with loving you to make up for this – but it may mean that you
have to keep making sure those resources are topped up. Whenever you can,
heap your partner with attention, gratitude, affection, touch – lots of
touch – and conversation around him or her.
- Let your partner see you as a support too.
Your partner might feel reluctant to
‘burden’ you with worries, particularly if those worries don’t seem as big
as the ones you’re struggling with. People with anxiety have so much strength –
it’s impossible to live with anxiety without it – so make sure your partner
knows that it doesn’t matter how big or small their struggles are, you can
be the supportive one sometimes too. The tendency can be for partners of
anxious people to dismiss their own worries, but this might mean that they do
themselves out of the opportunity to feel nurtured and supported by you – which
would be a huge loss for both of you. Be deliberate in being the rock
sometimes too. Ask, hold, touch. There’s nothing more healing than the warmth
of the person you love.
- Let your partner in on what you’re thinking.
Anxious thoughts are supremely
personal, but let your partner in on them. It’s an important part of intimacy.
You will often be thinking about what you need to do to feel safe, what feels
bad for you and what could go wrong. You will also have an enormous capacity to
think of other people – anxious people do – but make sure that you let you
partner in on the thoughts that arrest you. Keeping things too much to yourself
has a way of widening the distance between two people.
- Asking for reassurance is absolutely okay – but just not too much.
Anxiety has a way of creeping into
everything. When it’s left unchecked, it can make you doubt the things
that don’t deserve to be doubted – such as your relationship. It’s completely
okay and very normal to ask your partner for reassurance. Too much though and it
could be felt as neediness. Neediness is the enemy of desire and over
time can smother the spark. Make sure your partner has the opportunity to
love you spontaneously, without prompting – it’s lovely for them and even
better for you.
- Be vulnerable.
Anxiety
can effect relationships in different ways. In some people, it might
stoke the need for constant reassurance. In others, it can cause them to
hold back, to lessen their vulnerability to possible heartache.
Vulnerability – being open to another – is beautiful and it’s the essence of
successful, healthy relationships. The problem with protecting yourself too
much is that it can invite the very rejection you’re trying to protect against.
Part of intimacy is letting someone in closer than you let the rest of the
world. It’s trusting that person with the fragile, messy, untamed parts of you
– the parts that are often beautiful, sometimes baffling, and always okay with
the person who loves you. It’s understandable to worry about what might
happen if someone has open access to these parts of you, but see those worries
for what they are – worries, not realities – and trust that whatever happens
when you open yourself up to loving and being loved, you’ll be okay. Because
you will be.
- Be careful of projecting anxiety onto your relationship.
Anxiety can be triggered by nothing in
particular – that’s one of the awful things about it – so it will look for a
target, an anchor to hold it still and make it make sense. If you’re in an
intimate relationship, that’s where the bullseye will sit, drawing your anxiety
into its gravitational pull. This can raise feelings of doubt,
jealousy, suspicion and insecurity. Anxiety can be a rogue like that. That
doesn’t mean your relationship deserves your anxiety – most likely it doesn’t –
but your relationship is important, relevant and often in your
thoughts, making it a lavishly easy target. Remind yourself that just
because you’re worried, that doesn’t mean there’s anything to worry about.
Worry if you have to, but then see it for what it is – anxiety, not truth. You
are loved and you have anxiety and you are okay. Let that be the truth
that holds you.
- Analysis leads to paralysis.
There’s a saying – ‘Analysis leads to
paralysis,’ – because it does. ‘Is it love? Or lust? Or am I kidding myself?
What if my heart gets broken into tiny jagged pieces? How will it ever work if
we don’t like the same music/ books/ food/ movies? What if we book the holiday
and the airline goes on strike? What if one of us gets sick? What if both of us
get sick? What if we can’t get a refund? Or pay the mortgage? What if he gets
sick of me?’ Yep. I know you know how it sounds. What you focus on is what
becomes important, so if you focus on the possible problems they’ll absorb your
energy until they’re big enough to cause trouble on their own. They’ll drain
your energy, your sense of fun and your capacity to move. You probably already
know this, but what to do about it. Here’s something to try … Set a time frame
in which you can act as though things will be fine. So for example,
worry from 10-3 each day and after that, breathe, let go and act as though
things will be fine. You don’t have to believe it – just ‘act as though’.
You’ll have another chance tomorrow to worry if you need to. Be guided by the
evidence, not the worries that haunt you at 2am.
- Come closer. No. Go away.
When you focus on every detail, things
will get wobbly. You might focus on the things that aren’t right with
your partner or your relationship, while at the same time looking for
reassurance that your partner loves you and is committed. This can cause you to
push your partner away, (‘You’ve disappointed me,”) then pull him or
her close, (‘Tell me that you love me. You do love me, don’t you?’). Have
a chat with your partner and if it is a familiar process, set up a safe way for
your partner to point out when it’s happening. Agree on what that will look
like. When it does happen, be careful not to hear it as a criticism – it’s not
– it’s your partner asking for some stability with the way you love each other.
- The tough conversations can bring you closer.
All relationships have to deal with
tough stuff now and then but anxiety can make things more threatening and
bigger than they are. The temptation might be to avoid talking about
difficult issues with your partner, because of concerns about what
it might do the relationship. Difficult issues don’t go away – they fester
until they reach boiling point. Trust that your partner – and you –
can cope with a hard discussion. Relationships are built on trust, and trusting
that your relationship can power through difficult conversations is
an important one.
- Let your partner in on what it’s like to be you.
We humans are complex creatures and
bringing someone in closer to you and your story – even if it is someone who
has been with you for a while – is the lifeblood of intimacy. People change,
stories change, and even in intimate relationships it’s easy to lose touch with
the person who fall asleep next to at night-time. Let your partner in on what
your anxiety is like for you. Talk about your thoughts, how anxiety is
affecting you, your work, your relationship, your partner, and how grateful you
are for the love and support.
- Let your partner know what triggers you.
Is there a particular situation that’s
tends to set your anxiety alight? Crowds? Strangers? Difficulties of exit? Loud
music in the car? Being late? Talk to your partner so that if you find yourself
in the situation without warning, he or she will understand what’s happening
for you.
- Be patient. The quick fix isn’t always the best.
As a way to feel better and ease your
anxiety, you might be tempted to press for a quick fix to a problem or issue
within your relationship. You might become frustrated with your partner’s desire
to wait or put off committing to a course of action, or their resistance to
keep talking about the issue, but be open to the fact that your partner might
see things differently, sometimes clearer. Breathe, talk, and don’t assume that
your partner is taking time or pulling out of the conversation because of a
lack of commitment or because the issue isn’t important enough.
- Make sure you’re looking after yourself.
Being in love is crazy good but it can
take your attention away from looking after yourself and on to looking after
your special person. We all tend to do this but for people with anxiety it can
be particularly problematic because once you’re off-balance, the ripple can
bring other things undone. Taking good care of yourself is so important. Eating
well (a healthy diet rich in omega 3, low in processed carbs and sugars), as
well as regular exercise and meditation will help to build your brain against
anxiety. If looking after yourself feels selfish, think of it this way: it’s
not really fair to expect your partner to support you through your anxiety if
you’re not doing everything you can do to support yourself. Think of self-care
as an investment in you, your relationship and your partner. Remember too that
anything that’s good for anxiety is good for everyone, so talk to your partner
about chasing a healthy lifestyle together – cooking, exercising and meditating
together … nice.
- Understand that your partner will need boundaries
For the relationship to stay close,
healthy and connected, boundaries built by your partner can be a great thing.
Understand that boundaries aren’t your partner’s way of keeping you out, but as
a way to self-protect from ‘catching’ your anxiety. You might be worried
and need to talk about something over and over, but that’s not necessarily what
will be good for you, your partner or your relationship. Your partner can love
you and draw a bold heavy underline between the last time you discuss something
and the next time you want to. Talking is healthy, but talking over and over
and over about the same thing can be draining and create an issue where there
isn’t one. Know that your partner loves you and that boundaries are important
to nurture love and grow the relationship, not to push against it. Talk to your
partner about what he or she needs to be able to feel okay in the face of your
anxiety. Invite the boundaries – it will help to keep your connection strong
and loving and will help your partner to feel as though he or she is able
to preserve a sense of self without being absorbed by your worries. Worry is
contagious so if your partner wants to draw a boundary (eventually) around
your worry, let it happen – it will help to preserve the emotional resources of
the relationship and will be good for both of you.
- Laugh together.
This is so important! Laughter is a
natural antidote to the stress and tension that comes with anxiety. Laughing
together will tighten the connection between you and when there has been a
stressful few days (weeks? months?) it will help you both to remember why you
fell in love with each other. Anxiety has a way of making you forget that life
wasn’t meant to be taken seriously all the time. If it’s been too long since
your partner has seen the shape of your face when you laugh (which will be
beautiful and probably one of the reasons he or she fell for you in the first
place) find a reason – a funny movie, memories, YouTube … anything.
Falling
in love is meant to be magical, but getting close to another person isn’t
without it’s highs and lows at the best of times. From the ecstasy of realising
that someone pretty wonderful is as moved by you as you are by them, to the
agony of self-doubt and possible loss, to the security, richness and sometimes
stillness of a deeper love, intimacy is a vehicle for every possible
emotion. Anxiety does effect relationships, but by being open to its
impact, and deliberate in responding to it, you can protect your
relationship and make it one that’s strong, close and resilient.
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