How to master our emotions - Rejection

As much as we may tell ourselves that we don’t need anyone’s approval, beneath it all, we all desire to belong, to be accepted by others, to be loved, and desired. We’re all sensitive to rejection; each of us have experienced it before, some of us more than others.

From being picked last in ball's game, or learning your crush just wants to be friends, or another candidate was selected for that dream job, as difficult and unpleasant it feels, the truth is that rejection is a part of life. Well, I’ve got some bad news and some good news.

The bad news is, it’s unreasonable to expect that you won’t have to deal with rejection ever again. However, the good news is, knowing how to deal with rejection will help you cope and recover more quickly.

The better news? You can also take control of these negative feelings, and turn them around in your favour. I’ll show you how.

First, what’s the deal with rejection anyway? And why does it hurt so badly? Let’s dig in a bit, shall we?

The Science Behind Rejection

Winch, the author of “Emotional First Aid: Practical Strategies For Treating Failure, Rejection, Guilt, and Other Everyday Psychological Injures,” describes the human experience of rejection going back to our ancient roots.

“When we were hunter-gatherers and living in tribes, the price of ostracism was pretty much death,” Winch writes. “You wouldn’t survive without your tribe; you wouldn’t have the warmth of hearth, the protection of fire.”

Because of this, an early warning system evolved — the feeling of rejection — to alert us when we might be at risk for being ostracised. As a mechanism for passing along our genes, the more painful the experience of rejection was, the more likely we were to alter our behaviour to avoid ostracism. 

Meanwhile, “those who didn’t experience [rejection] as painful were less likely to correct [their] behaviour and pass along their genes.”

To top it all off, there’s the fact that humans are social animals—which makes rejection even more emotionally painful.“It’s a form of shunning ... so anything that keeps us out of the group in an overt way, we’re going to have a hard time with,”Winch says.“It’s an important aspect of who we are.”

Rejection in all its repulsive forms can literally be painful. Aside from the emotional pain we experience, it triggers the same pathways as those that are activated when we experience physical pain.

In conclusion? Rejection sucks, but that doesn’t mean it has to get the best of you.

Overcoming Bitterness and Heartache

Some of our hardest hitting memories of rejection lie in our stories of failed or unrequited love. The pain we feel from heartache can feel like we’re being ripped opened to the core.

Overwhelming doesn’t begin to describe it, the feelings of loss, panic, shame, despair, and hopelessness. They can all seem like astronomical emotions to even begin to deal with. Yet, what if we told you that these are feelings you can control?

Yes, you have the ability to control these emotions. You have a switch within your mind that will allow you to rise above these feelings. While you can’t make them disappear, you can take control of them.

You may be asking, “How?” right about now.

Think of controlling your emotions like turning a switch off and on. Pretend, for a moment, that you’re feeling sad. Really try it. Think of yourself like a divine actor. 

Practice going back and forth between happy and sad. This may sound incredibly rudimentary, but your mind allows you to control your emotions just like this. If you really practice it, you will learn what triggers your positive and negative emotions, so that you can offset the negative.

Negative emotions bind us to recurring negative thoughts.

They create cycles of negative patterns that continue to spiral downward. Whenever you find yourself confronted with a negative thought, with a feeling of bitterness, you have the power to force it out of your mind. Replace it with a positive thought. 

Rise above and remember that you are living in the present when all is in your control. Imagine ideal scenarios of where you want to be in the future, rather than dwelling on the sadness right now.

Once you begin to process your emotions methodically like this, you’ll identify what your resentments and feelings of hurt truly lie.

With this information, you can then begin to swim freely from feelings of pain to oceans of happiness.

Building a Resilience to the Pain

Resilience isn’t a right. It’s rehearsed. It’s trained. It’s earned. Resilience from rejection comes from recognising that you’re not going to be a victim to this very natural human experience.

Your journey is peppered with instants of sadness, but these are only momentary and not status markers along your way. They are what make you sharper, stronger, and wiser. They add to your character and make your life one that is vibrant and full.

Believe me about that but no one’s story is a constant path of happiness. It’s a beautiful ride with dips and peaks, magic and wonder. We’re all going to experience things that hurt us: we’re going to be rejected, we’re going to be let down. The power is within us to overcome that pain. 

This means not letting it take control, not letting it be the theme of our story. It’s merely an ingredient that adds to this wondrous affair that is life.

In my next post I will give you 5 keys about how mastering rejection.  

Have a wonderful day and don't be too tough on you ok ?