Mirror, mirror on the wall…the narcissist wants to be fairest of them all.
I often consider the narcissist personality as being similar to the
Jekyll and Hyde character and to the Evil fairy in the Sleeping Beauty, two opposing sides of a scale that never
finds an equilibrium. When involved with a narcissist, there never seems
to be any balance.
Relationships or dealings with people who have Narcissistic
Personality Disorder can have an enormous impact on our well-being due
to the toxic amount of energy that these interactions can produce.
The narcissist is skilled at trickery and a master of deception and
they will always manage to find the right angle to twist the finger to
point the blame away from themselves, so that those around them are held
accountable for any wrong doings.
The narcissist personality type is often seen as being associated
with vanity and self-absorption, however the full extent of the
characteristics that associate with this type of person are far more
extreme.
Like with most things, there is a spectrum. Some will have mild symptoms of narcissism, others will align and identify strongly.
I believe that the majority of us carry some traits of the
narcissistic personality type. Mainly because we aren’t always able or
willing to see the full truth of who we are within. We push ourselves,
build ourselves up and often the opinions we have of ourselves are a
little unrealistic and don’t fully align with our authentic selves.
Although a narcissist is thought of as being “in love with them
selves,” it is more often the case that they are only in love with the
idyllic image of themselves they perceive and wish was the truth.
Deep down within a narcissist can live self-destructive and crippling self-doubt coupled with extremely low self-esteem.
A narcissist is often the child of narcissistic parents, who may have
built up their esteem by telling the child how special, amazing and
gifted they are and how they would go on to do great things—but then
offered no solid foundations or stability from where the child could
function.
A narcissist’s parents will often have been so wrapped up in
themselves they will only have paid attention to the child when it
suited their needs. So, the child swings from very little love and
attention to the opposite, receiving love and attention in abundance,
usually to the parent’s benefit and the child’s detriment.
The narcissist personality type takes on a grandiose opinion of their
self, often seeing themselves as superior and far better than others.
They often have very big personalities due to their superior belief
about themselves and can be very magnetic and charming at times. This is
so they are capable of captivating others so that they are capable of
manipulating others for their own needs.
The beginning of a relationship with a narcissist can feel like an
addictive and intoxicating fairy tale with the narcissist playing the
role of the charming prince or princess and their partner being
completely swept off their feet. Narcissists will fall into (what
appears to be) love and want to commit very quickly, however, as time
passes and their partner starts to see the truth of what’s within,
problems can quickly arise as the relationship begins to break down.
If the partner of a narcissist tries to address the issues, the
narcissists will go into meltdown and complete denial, often attacking
their partner with accusations in a poor attempt at defending
themselves, or go for the vulnerable sensitive approach. A narcissist
will always be correct, so getting into any kind of debate, argument or
dialogue where faults are concerned will most often prove futile.
When it comes to right or wrong, a narcissist has an impulsive desire
to ensure they are right regardless of the cost. If being right costs
them friends, family or relationships, they will most often suffer the
consequences of the loss rather than admit to being wrong. However, they
will put up a defensive and destructive battle of wills beforehand.
A narcissist will basically role-play and respond in whatever
manipulative manner that garners the best response. If they are up
against a strong, determined and independent person they will move into
the role of a sensitive, loving, caring and vulnerable character. If
they interact with a codependent personality type, they will likely move
into the role of aggressor.
There can be confusion when identifying a narcissist, as it is very
healthy to have self-love, self-worth, to have our own desires, wants
and needs and also to value our selves highly.
However, when these things derive from an internally wounded place,
one of self-loathing, low self-esteem and deep-rooted insecurities that
have not been addressed and when someone needs other people’s admiration
and validation to make themselves feel good, this is when the
narcissist personality arises.
Everyone likes to feel as though they are important and worthy, but
the narcissist has an unrealistic perception of themselves, and they
require other people to constantly boost and validate their opinions so
that their feelings of worthiness remain at an elevated height.
A narcissist will drain the other person of their energy. Like a
vampire they will suck the life from their partner so that they are weak
and far easier to manipulate. All the energy that is taken will boost
the narcissist’s ego and their own energy levels. This suits the
narcissist as it keeps them firmly where they need to sit, high above
looking down.
They will often verbally attack another person using insults and
put-downs to make them feel confused and disoriented so that others
surrender easily and this keeps the illusion strong in the narcissist’s
mind that they are the more powerful and significantly better person.
A narcissist will try to keep their opponent deep within the chaos so
that they remain submerged and willing to tend to their needy attention
seeking and demanding requests.
Knowledge is power; the more we know about a condition the more
likelihood we have of understanding it and dealing with it. That is when
we are in a position to take all the steps necessary to protect and
prepare ourselves so that the narcissist can no longer keep us tangled
and cocooned in their sticky and endlessly spun web of lies.
If closure is something that is sought after it can often be
difficult to achieve when dealing with a narcissist as they will beg,
plead, persuade, charm and use every trick in the book to place the
other person back into the safety of their web.
A relationship with a narcissist can be emotionally distressing,
feeling like a roller coaster going from one extreme to the next. When a
narcissist is receiving all the attention then things will be great for
them and they will be at their happiest, but as soon as this diminishes
they will quickly manipulate the situation and may play the role of
charmer, or even an aggressor.
If there are any concerns for emotional or physical safety, it is always best to seek help, either together or separately.
A relationship or interaction with a narcissist is an illusion, as
nothing with a narcissist is actually as it seems. Their inner truth
remains deeply hidden and they will only reveal what they carefully
choose to show. The key is to understand why the connection has taken
place, recognise why the attraction was so strong and learn as much
about a narcissistic personality as possible so that informative
decisions can be made about the current relationship and also to be wary
of falling into another one again.
Disclaimer: For anyone who feels that they need further information
or help for themselves, or for someone they know, there is more
information to be found below. This is just a basic outline of the
personality type and there is help available for more detailed
explanations or support.
For those who have been affected by a relationship with a narcissist,
try not to feel responsible for their behaviour or feel foolish for not
seeing signs sooner. A narcissist has often developed magnetising
qualities and a seductive charm as they need these things in order to
ensure the mask they wear is never questioned or removed.
A game of manipulation has been played and the only way to end the game is to regain self-confidence and take back control.
Some key traits to recognising a narcissist are:
Charismatic *
Charming
*Controlling*
Conceited
*Inflated self-perception*
Creates drama/over dramatic*
Likes to be in the spotlight*
Exaggerates their achievements*
Requires constant admiration*
Takes advantage of others
*Compulsive liar*
Cannot deal with criticism*
Gets hurt easily
*Extremely jealous
* Appear strong on the surface *
Desire for power
*Difficulty understanding other people’s emotions
* Lack empathy
*Need control*
Needy Behaviour*
Centre of attention
*Inauthentic
*Highly Dominant *
Attention seeking*
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